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    • « New video by collaborative heretics | Home | Black Texas pastors hate gays even more than themselves »

    Puritans strike again, 400 years later

    By Dr. Shoeshine | May 1, 2007

    VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. – “This land is Yours!” declared thousands of Christians on Sunday as hundreds of crosses adorned the Virginia Beach shores in an historic act of rededicating the nation to God.

    At least they’re historically accurate on this one. Well, sort of. The City on a Hill front hasn’t quite had enough. Because, to their thinking, it was a fantastic thing that English settlers landed here in 1607 and went on to settle Jamestown, invent Thanksgiving, starve their asses off, rape native women, and so on, it seemed an auspicious moment to storm the beach and rededicate the nation to God.

    “There are turning points throughout all history. The upper room was a turning point for the early church and the reformation was a turning point. There have to be times in history when God’s people call on His name and humble themselves and pray and turn and repent [before] God hears and answers that prayer,” he added.

    Not a bad idea. We could really apologize for carbon emissions, genocidal warfare in Iraq and elsewhere, making most of the third world our own personal sweatshop. Oh, wait, that’s not the kind of repentance they had in mind:

    Pastor Marty O’Rourke of the Episcopal Church of the Messiah in Chesapeake said a prayer of repentance on behalf of Episcopalians towards the Native Americans.

    I’m thinking this was about four hundred years too late for the particular Native people he meant, but it was an honest gesture, I guess. But then it gets weirder:

    Jane Hansen of Aglow International prayed for repentance for the oppression of women and the abortions that have killed millions of lives.

    Interesting. I’ll be generous and see this as an olive branch to the pro-choicers. Well, but then things turn stranger yet:

    Will Ford, co-founder of Hilkiah Ministries, prayed for repentance on behalf of African Americans for their religiosity and hip hop lyrics.

    Can someone explain what this means? How is religiosity bad? We’ve seen the apology for being too black by way of hip hop before, but religiosity? Does that mean all those AME churches aren’t acting properly white-fundie enough? Too much soul? What?

    Then the kicker:

    And three Korean pastors – Pastor James Lee, Dr. Moses Lee and Dr. David Hwang - said a prayer of repentance on behalf of Koreans in the wake of the Virginia Tech shooting.

    Excuse me? Did I miss something? Was Kim Jong-il behind the Virginia Tech shooting? Was it the shooter’s Korean-ness that made him do it? The poor wacko kid didn’t even have an accent.

    We’d like any of our southeastern Virginia area white heretics to make a trip to the beach to repent on behalf of all white people for Columbine. And Paducah. And Kansas City. And the NASA plant. And Red Lake. And Ruby Ridge. And Waco. And for basically all the serial killers. And for all the high school football team rapists. And for Chernobyl, and Belfast, and Bosnia, and for Hitler, and… well, you understand.

    Topics: Americanism, Fundagelicals |

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