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Forgive me, Padre, for I’m a total jackass
By Dr. Shoeshine | October 3, 2007
You’re kidding, right, Alberto?
Alberto Gonzales’ publicist has written a disgusting suck-up-to-the-people piece for CNN’s “Hispanic Experience” series. So first of all, Hispanic what? Is this a regional thing we don’t know about? Not even the newspapers we read use “Hispanic” anymore. That’s for census and employment forms, as far as we’ve seen. Secondly, “The Hispanic Experience: A New Series from CNN Explaining How Them Mexicans Are Just Like Normal White People?”
Hey, at least it’s not a three-part miniseries commemorating the bravery and heroism of these crazy fucks with guns, so for that all of us should be grateful. Because by talking about Hispanics without using the word “deportation,” it’s obvious CNN’s in the pocket of the Liberal Media Bias.
But we’re here to study Alberto Gonzales’ publicists’ very own words, to see him polish some kind of bullshit image now that he’s basically proved himself to be one of the most unethical shitbags to ever live. After the jump. Ready, GO!
WASHINGTON (CNN) — Over the next few weeks, America recognizes what many in this country know from personal experience. The most admired values of the Hispanic community are the same values that sustain our nation’s greatness: sacrifice, hard work, personal initiative, dedication to family, and perseverance in the face of adversity.
We really don’t know what is special about the next few weeks. We assume this is a habitual introduction. As in, “Over the next few weeks, America may hear some startling things about how I used Hispanic values such as personal initiative to destroy every last semblance of democracy in this country. But I don’t recall those emails, so ignore all of this.”
Also, did you know that all Hispanic people are totally the same? They totally only speak Spanish, are sort of a middling brown color, and they all eat tortillas and beans. They’re not all from Mexico but it’s all the same, right? They’re one huge monolithic and indivisible community, so CNN’s here to tell you about them.
I saw these values every day in the life of my father, Pablo.
Your father who is rolling in his grave, you asshole.
My father was not an educated man. But he worked every day to help his eight children find the American dream.
Your father and mother were illegal immigrants who had a shit ton of kids. Lucky those Minutemen guys didn’t see you or you’d be fucked. But we want to hear - how was your parents’ hard work different than current illegals’ hard work?
As a young man, he picked crops in the fields of South Texas, where he met another migrant worker — a young woman named Maria, who would become my mother.
OH, because they were migrant farm workers! No shit! Those were innocent, quaint times, weren’t they? The kind of pastoral national picture we think of when you tell us that the Geneva Convention is “quaint,” right?
He and two of my uncles built the house in Houston that I grew up in — my mother lives there still today.
Too bad you & your buddies speculated housing to death. Your mother couldn’t move if she wanted to.
I can remember when I was a small boy playing in the field as they laid the cinder blocks for the house’s foundation. They nailed together the two-by-fours, hung the drywall, and hammered the composition shingles onto the roof. From their sweat, toil and vision arose the small two-bedroom house that became our home.
“Hispanics know how to build houses! I bet you white folks don’t know how to!”
That home is my past, but it also represents our heritage, as Americans who always dream and work for a better tomorrow.
Unless they’re deported. But only bad Americans without Dreams get deported, right? Just like only bad people go to Guantanamo?
As a young boy I would ask my mother to wake me before dawn so I could eat scrambled eggs and tortillas with my father before he left for work. As dad and I ate breakfast together, my mother would prepare a modest lunch of beans and tortillas and carefully place them in a brown paper sack. I can picture my dad walking down the street to catch a ride to the construction site and me running outside and waving goodbye.
“I have daddy issues. Which is why I’ll be Bush’s Favorite Brown Token Boy and do anything he wants all day long. Also, when white people make their kids PB&J, Hispanic mamas make our kids bean tortillas. We both put them in brown paper bags!”
The memories of this daily ritual burn strong in my chest as I recall this simple time, that simple food, and those deep, enduring American values of family, hard work, and sacrifice.
Are poor sentence construction and awkward metaphors supposed to make him look autentico? It’s good to know that all the millions of American workers without health care, nutritious “simple” food, or affordable housing - to say nothing of their global counterparts - are at least learning deep, enduring American values.
Those are the principles that my parents instilled in me.
“And that’s why I’m a failed Attorney General and you whiners aren’t.”
And those principles are the best heritage of our community. They are the values our nation reaffirms during Hispanic Heritage Month.
OH! Now I get it. This is when a bunch of rich assimilated folks with names like Gonzales claim they’re totally proud of their “roots” while failing to tip the Latina moms making their Starbucks lattes at 6 am.
I’m telling you this story not because there’s something so remarkable about my life, but because of how frankly unremarkable it has been in many ways. And that’s what is so wonderful about this great country.
Aaaaand Horatio Alger’s BACK AGAIN! Hey, “Horatio” could be Hispanic, right?
The story of America is a story of constant renewal and reaffirmation of our founding ideals and our enduring values of faith, family, and freedom. I have drawn on the strength of my heritage and the insights of my background to try to make America a better place for everyone.
I’m sorry, I fell asleep. America is better in what way now?
Over the past 2 ½ years as attorney general, I have seen crimes involving dishonesty, corruption and depravity of types I never thought possible. I’ve seen things I didn’t know man was capable of.
Oh, Bert. Let’s help you with that graf.
Over the past 2 ½ years as attorney general, I have
seencommitted crimes involving dishonesty, corruption and depravity of types I never thought possible. I’veseendone things I didn’t know man was capable of.
Seriously! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
But I will tell you here and now that I am still hopeful. Because every time I see a glimmer of what the evil man can do, I see the defenders of liberty, truth, and justice who stand ready to fight it.
Say that again? “Teh Evul Mahn?” Dear Jesus: Please let this not be some weird affectation of his rootsy authenticity. Amen.
I see the courage of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen and I am hopeful, and so very proud. My time in public service has had its share of difficulties, but even more moments of inspiration. My trips to Iraq have been among them. Being part of a department that plays a vital role in stopping terrorists has been a humbling experience.
“Seeing the bad things that I made happen to real people when I was busy thinking about how to get George to tell me I was a good boy was like totally real to me, man. Also SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!11!”
I have often said that my worst day in office was better than my father’s best day. My work has not been easy, but it has been unbelievably rewarding. Because I knew that every day when I got up, I was being given a new opportunity to work for the American people.
I haven’t had enough coffee to take in this level of horseshit.
When I first went into public service, I told my wife, Rebecca, it would only be for a couple of years.
I’M IN YR CUNTRY, MARYIN YR BLOND CHX!
It’s been longer than that, but I have truly enjoyed myself. And I left public service proud to know that other Hispanics will carry on the mantle of service.
Somebody’s going to have to, because amigo? YOU HAVE FUCKED OUR SHIT UP.
My hopes, and those of many others with stories similar to mine, are reflected in those words of the founders of this nation more than two centuries ago: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
Unless you’re torturing them in Guantanamo, in which case, no, you’re enjoying your job depriving unalienable rights from whoever you want. And firing any judge who interrupts the enjoyment of your public service job.
Those words are a simple, clear expression of the American dream. I believe in that dream with all my heart. I have lived it in a way I never would have thought possible.
That we’ll agree with. Very few first generation citizens would have found themselves carrying out crimes against humanity with their lips planted firmly on the ass of the dumbest President in history. But that dream is for everyone, right? If they just work hard enough?
I am the son of a Mexican cotton picker and a construction worker who never finished grade school, and I served as the Attorney General of the United States. If anyone ever tries to tell you the American dream doesn’t exist, or that you can’t achieve it, I hope you’ll prove them wrong.
“Because you sure as hell better not come cryin’ to me. I’ll deport your ass in a hot second.”
Topics: American Conservatives, Americanism, Immigration, Workers & Class |
April 24th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I am haviign a helluva time reading americazhheresy.ucom in Safati 6.3, I juts tigured I would tell you about it.
frer videos
May 21st, 2010 at 1:06 am
Interesante, yo cotizaci?n en mi sitio m?s tarde.
Have a nice day
Boldy